Does your relationship partner complete you? Do you wish that they would and think that he/she should? Or if you are single, are you looking for a partner who does? Is anything less than this unsatisfactory?
Or are you complete in yourself? Is your self-esteem, your knowledge of who you are, your state of inner being such that you are enough? Are you enough for you, enough for anyone that you might meet? Enough for your partner or the partner you would like to attract?
And what of “the one”? Are you with, or looking to be with a soulmate? What does that look and feel like to you? How would you know when you meet your soulmate, and is that the only thing that could possibly satisfy you in the relationships arena?
Let me say right away that I don’t reject the idea that someone might exist who is a soul-mate for you. Someone close to me has recently met the person that they feel is like another piece of them, part of the same essence, cut from the same cloth. She was not looking and would have doubted the concept of soulmates. Their experience is that their connection stretches back through lifetimes over millennia. I don’t doubt their experience and the energy of the two of them together is quite something.
Both of them are more myth than reality, but even where they are real it is quite damaging, in my view, to buy into this way of thinking. There are several reasons why this is so.
If we believe that there is someone who will be perfect in every way, we can set up the expectation that they have to fit a picture of that perfection that we have created in our mind. Someone I know discovered that the perfect partner was in a same-sex body having been sure until then they were heterosexual. Would you be open if that happened to you?
When we believe that this romantic ideal is awaiting us, we might feel that everything will be blissful from the first moment. We might not realise that there are still going to be adjustments for both partners as we find out what it takes for our twin souls to also operate as twin incarnate beings.
If we believe that there is a twin soul for each of us, we still might not understand what it takes to be ready for that level or intensity of relationship. Since love brings up anything unlike itself so that it can be healed, big loves may bring big healings. That isn’t always comfortable.
Are you sure that there is only one other being in the billions of souls who live on this planet, or who have been part of your existence in this or any previous life (if that is part of your reality) who might be good for you, or who might assist the next stage in your development?
The belief in a perfect twin soul may also become entwined with notions of what perfection would be in ourselves and of what their expectations of perfection might also be. This gets our heads and our images involved in our heart-space which needs to be open and uncluttered. It can cause measurement and judgment.
There is no certainty that your plan in this life involves being with your soulmate. You might discover that you have had many lifetimes apart, or having separate but linked journeys where your purpose was to do something else than explore togetherness.
When we live from a preformed, pre-conditioned answer we abandon the place of all possibilities. Doing that makes our limited mind the chooser and manifester when we need to be in the unbounded creativity that can bring what the Big Mind might be able to manifest.
And yet more still, if you have the idea that this person who shares your essence is going to fill some gap in you, occupy some space of love that is not already present, then you buy into a stack of beliefs that:
you are not enough as you are
that you cannot be enough without someone else’s love to fill that gap,
that the person you are looking for will be able to find and recognise you even when you are not already all of who you can be
that you will be capable of bringing about the synchronicities that get you together.
What tends to happen instead is that our ability to create that reality is blocked by our own limited beliefs about ourselves or sabotaged by our own negative expectations about what is possible.
This last item is the biggest danger of all. If we are inadequate to ourselves then our first task is to change that, doing what it takes for as long as is needed. That does not mean we cannot have a partner in the meantime, but the partner we have is a mirror to what we are willing to allow ourselves. You don’t have to stay with anyone and you may be better to experience being on your own. If you do stay you cannot make that person responsible for what you feel is lacking because no-one else can fill a gap in you. You must first fill it for yourself.
These are tough words and they can be hard to hear. I have been there. But anything else is pretence. My power, my ability to create, rests in taking responsibility for the results in my life. Whatever pain you feel, whatever love you have not had from others, ultimately you have to give that to yourself. Get support by all means. Receive whatever love you can wherever you can. Learn to give to others the love you desire for yourself and then give it to yourself also. Above all find how to fill the gaps and the needs in you that you have imagined someone else can fill for you.
Tough as they may seem, these suggestions are what is needed if you are to shine so brightly that you can be seen in all of who you are. Then, if there is to be someone special for you – soulmate or whoever – they will come ready to add something to your life and you will be ready to receive it all. You will not project your needs onto them and you will be capable of recognising those who project theirs onto you. That is the way you avoid taking on a co-dependent relationship. If you are already in a relationship taking all of the same steps even if only you are taking them is what will transform that relationship into something bigger. When you shift, the world shifts. If it hasn’t shifted yet there is still work to do. And when it is done you will know. And who knows, you might even discover that your soulmate is the one you are already living with, but could not see on the far side of your veils of perception. How amazing might that be?
About the Author
Jon is a visionary with a passion for propelling the change in thinking that will support us through the major transitions currently facing humanity. He has extensive knowledge of alternative health and personal development practices and a deep understanding of how human body-minds work. He is among the world’s leading trainers and practitioners in Spiral Dynamics Integral and a founding director of the UK Centre for Human Emergence. Jon’s greatest passion lies in cracking open our view of reality, replacing the matter-oriented scientific orthodoxy with a blended system of understanding which acknowledges the importance of Consciousness in determining the form that all creation takes. He views this aspect of consciousness-raising as a key to humanity’s future. Learn more about Jon here.